Three and a half years ago, I decided that I needed to seek some shape or form of truth in which I could believe in. In some truth in which much of the world made sense. Having spent my early life as a Christian, I decided to depart from that fruitless base and start my search from some Eastern religions. These religions provided a refreshingly unbiased view of religion and God. Looking past the simplistic idolatry, I found religions that not only were compatible with my understanding of theology and metaphysics, but amazingly, they were compatible with the basic tenets of my beliefs in Christianity. It was the collection of Gandhi’s works, “The Essence of Hinduism” that in fact turned me back to Christianity. I decided to give the Christian version of God another chance, but this time, I would look past the idolatry that exists in Christianity today.
What I found amazed me. I came to the realization that all of what I had been taught and trained, from childhood till now, was a waste of effort and the precious few moments we have. To move forward in what I had now realized to be a meaningful life, I had to first let go of all that I had known. This is the most difficult step I have taken so far. I wonder if this is what Christ meant when he said the world and even your family would turn on you. I don’t feel that anyone is physically turning on me, but every decision I make in this new direction makes no sense to anyone I know and who knows me. However, I can’t help but feel that a step in any other direction is a step backward.
Two years ago, I had to make a decision. I could either be satisfied in what I had uncovered and continued my casual approach, or I could try to take things more seriously and change the focus of my life. I decided on the latter. I enrolled in night classes in theology more as an exploration and a confirmation that this is what I need to be doing. It was both refreshing in that for those 9 hours a week, I could feel satisfaction in my effort. At the same time, the remaining hours spent at work were just a reminder that I was still moving in the wrong direction. One more thing I slowly began to understand the sacrifice that would have to be made. Both my family and my professional life suffered during these two years. Was it worth it? Now that I’ve graduated, I again need to make a decision on whether to take the next step in this direction or linger which surmounts to moving backwards. I suppose it’s only worth it if you press forward.