Am I a Christian?

Everyone wants me to be a Christian.  Why is that?  Is it not enough that I say that I believe in God?  Is it not enough that I say that Jesus died as compensation or retribution for my sins in a way that I couldn’t even begin to understand?  I think it should even be enough that I am constantly seeking the courage and strength to dedicate my life to be more Christ like and to follow His will because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my purpose lies in His will, not my own.  For some reason, I don’t think that will ever be enough.   For some reason, all around me want me to brand myself as Christian.

I grew up as a Christian, in a Christian home, loving Christian parents, good Christian morals, and was on the path to the good Christian life.  That’s what I thought it meant to be a Christian.  I thought Christianity was a way of life.  It was in the way I chose to live my life in relation to God and relation to the people around me.  And for a long time, I thought I was a good Christian, or so I was told.

Logic eventually one out, and I realized that the concept of a “good Christian” was all hot air.  It was a show put on by many people to convince everyone around them that they were good Christians.  Some even try to convince God.  I think this was Martin Luther realized when he started to flog himself.  Instead of flogging, I just stopped calling myself Christian because I had no desire to be live my life to please others, even God.

I now realize that following God in the Biblical way has nothing to do with being a “good Christian”.  All along, I thought Christianity was about my choices.  About whether I chose to have the emotional prayer of accepting Jesus.  About whether I chose to live my life according to so-called Biblical values.  It has nothing to do with these things and everything to do with slavery.  A slave has no choice.  At the same time, a slave thinks nothing of his own well-being, just trusts the protection of his master.  Now I realize that there’s really only one choice that God forces us to make.  Do I or don’t I want to be God’s slave?  I have met very few people, Christian or otherwise, who have said they do and shown it in their lives.  For myself, the answer is something I still don’t know.  I know I want to because the other option I know to be the wrong choice.  However, I’m not sure if I can commit myself to slavery even though I know that only in being His slave does my life have any meaning.  That is probably a battle I will be fighting with myself for the rest of my life, and I really don’t know the outcome.

One thing is for sure, I never again want to be confused with a “good Christian.”

1 thought on “Am I a Christian?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *