Everyone wants me to be a Christian. Why is that? Is it not enough that I say that I believe in God? Is it not enough that I say that Jesus died as compensation or retribution for my sins in a way that I couldn’t even begin to understand? I think it should even be enough that I am constantly seeking the courage and strength to dedicate my life to be more Christ like and to follow His will because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my purpose lies in His will, not my own. For some reason, I don’t think that will ever be enough. For some reason, all around me want me to brand myself as Christian.
I grew up as a Christian, in a Christian home, loving Christian parents, good Christian morals, and was on the path to the good Christian life. That’s what I thought it meant to be a Christian. I thought Christianity was a way of life. It was in the way I chose to live my life in relation to God and relation to the people around me. And for a long time, I thought I was a good Christian, or so I was told.
Logic eventually one out, and I realized that the concept of a “good Christian” was all hot air. It was a show put on by many people to convince everyone around them that they were good Christians. Some even try to convince God. I think this was Martin Luther realized when he started to flog himself. Instead of flogging, I just stopped calling myself Christian because I had no desire to be live my life to please others, even God.
I now realize that following God in the Biblical way has nothing to do with being a “good Christian”. All along, I thought Christianity was about my choices. About whether I chose to have the emotional prayer of accepting Jesus. About whether I chose to live my life according to so-called Biblical values. It has nothing to do with these things and everything to do with slavery. A slave has no choice. At the same time, a slave thinks nothing of his own well-being, just trusts the protection of his master. Now I realize that there’s really only one choice that God forces us to make. Do I or don’t I want to be God’s slave? I have met very few people, Christian or otherwise, who have said they do and shown it in their lives. For myself, the answer is something I still don’t know. I know I want to because the other option I know to be the wrong choice. However, I’m not sure if I can commit myself to slavery even though I know that only in being His slave does my life have any meaning. That is probably a battle I will be fighting with myself for the rest of my life, and I really don’t know the outcome.
One thing is for sure, I never again want to be confused with a “good Christian.”